a big ol’ loser.
i could probably create my own reality t.v. show having to do with being a loser.
it’s this little game i play where every.single.time. i play, i lose.
(^^that one time i tried to let them play in the rain, but it was way too cold, and they came in two minutes later)
it’s this game where i play solo and yet, still come out as the biggest loser.
it’s the game of comparison.
the game where i look around and compare and just plain old lose.
maybe you are familiar with this game?
or, maybe you’re not.
what got me thinking about it was this:
i recently heard someone stating their disappointment with what someone else was doing, and i sat back all smug and thought to myself ‘YOU compare that and yet, look what YOU are doing that is not any better?!’
and, then i was so taken aback at my own ugly, sinful tendency to do the very same thing.
in way, way too many areas of life, i play this game.
maybe not all the time, and sometimes more than others, but still i end up playing this losing game.
i play it within my mind when i wish circumstances would be otherwise and i assume that it’s just me who deals with whatever the matter may be…
i play it when i wish my kids would be better, be more, be less…
i play it when i wish i was a better wife, a better mom, a better friend…
i play it when i wish i could look better, have a different outfit, less grey hairs…
i play it when i think about blogging and why do i bother…
i play it when i think someone else thinks something of me and mine and the truth of the matter is, it’s all just between my ears since i’ve not had any validation to the crazy thought process where i compare their thoughts toward me and what i think of them…
it is just a lose-lose game.
so, this game can be just played alone and maybe noone is affected by it besides myself.
maybe that’s true.
even so, i am losing as i play it alone.
it’s this thing of thinking that i can play this game and it’s okay when really, i’m playing it out and therefore letting it affect way, way more of life lived with others.
it’s this thing of playing it out in my mind and in the letting it affect other areas of life, i become a loser by choice.
i could be wrong, but it seems to me that the devil likes to see me play this game and lose over and over.
it’s this game that i don’t even have to turn in chips or pay dues, i’m just robbed blind by choice.
by choosing to play this game, i let myself, my life, my happiness be affected and ROBBED of so much peace and joy and acceptance and love.
i think about how as a parent, i want to teach my kids to be good losers, to play fair, to let others win.
but, in this game…i just want to teach them to not even play!
i want them to know that it’s a game that is not worth playing and, yet….
it seems like because we live in a fallen world, from the beginning of time really, we’ve all been playing it.
i think that yes, this is where grace comes in.
but, i also think that this is where we have to choose to let redeeming love and God’s thoughts of us override the desire and tendency to play along in this losing game.
so much of life and how i respond to it is directly affected by where, who, what i put my identity in.
coming back again and again to the reality that my truest, only meaningful identity must come from what He thinks of me.
“My salvation and my honor depend on God; his is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times…pour out your hearts to him for God is our refuge.” Psalm 62:7,8
“everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made….Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.” Isaiah 43:7 & 1
i don’t know why i’m posting this, really.
certainly not because i’ve overcome the game of comparison.
nope, maybe i’m posting this just to get it off my chest.
and, sometimes when i type things out, i see it clearer.
maybe you’ll identify with some of this, and maybe you won’t.
my only advice is this:
try not to to play this game.
losing all the time isn’t worth it.
choose joy, not comparison when you want to win.
Look with fresh eyes.
Look without comparison.
Look for a sprinkling of beauty on a tough situation.
Look for a joy that doesn’t match your circumstance.
Look for the unexpected blessings.
God adores you, even when His voice is quiet.
have a good Wednesday.