just when you know that things are going to be required of you, just when you know that God is going to do something more to make you more His own, it happens.
dreams are mysterious things.
both the ones that crowd my sub-conscious mind while i sleep, and those that have long taken place within my heart and have painted pictures in my minds eye.
in years past, i’ve said i don’t see myself as a dreamer.
i am by nature a pracitcal and purposeful person, and dreams? how do those things mix with being a dreamer?
but, still, i find my heart dreaming, my minds eye creating pictures of hopes.
pictures of tomorrows that i think would be perfect.
i have dreams from childhood that i look back on as silly. i have dreams from childhood that still fill my mind with questions because i always thought…it would work that way.
i have dreams from my young adult days that i am so thankful they did not go the way i thought they would go. i have dreams from those days that are still precious and still create a sense of hope and a sense of ‘maybe’ within my heart.
i cling to some dreams more than others.
i wonder why the dreams, why the heart longings, why the pictures in my minds eye.
why, when life goes nothing like i thought it would, nothing like i think it should.
to see dreams die is hard.
to realize that what you once hoped for is now no chance.
to realize that you know the answer was ‘no’.
but, it is somehow harder to see your dreams lived out through other people.
when you sit back and sincerely rejoice and feel excitement for those who are getting to live a dream that you’ve always had, you find yourself asking ‘why’ in ways that are somehow harder than asking ‘why’ when you have seen dreams die.
when you are actively involved in others living of your dreams, you wonder if God is playing a joke on you.
you wonder ‘why’ He would do such a thing to you.
you wonder ‘why’ God would do this big thing for them, but not for you.
you wonder ‘why’ God would call those who want to stay, but not those who want to go.
you wonder ‘why’ so many babies for them, and none for you.
you wonder ‘why’ the stellar job with great benefits for them, and the scraping by for you.
you ask questions.
you feel selfish.
my little mind asks these questions….
wonders these why’s and tries to figure out what this means for my here and now.
and, all i can come up with is:
that is what He’s asking of me in the midst of these dreams and giving up of dreams.
faithful in everything.
faithful with what is mine.
faithful in prayer.
faithful in blessing God.
faithful in praising Him in the calm and the storm.
because even tho’ i don’t get it, He does.
He knows my name.
He knows my every thought.
He sees each tear that falls, and hears me when i pray.
He calls me to faithfulness in the midst of the dreams that paint pictures in my minds eye.
His dreams and mine are not always the same.
even though my head thinks it wants my dreams to be His,
my heart knows that His dreams must become mine.
today and tomorrow.
here and now.